“Hello, again.”

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Last night, I met Grace again.

I was thinking upon how prone I am to screwing things up, and I was super sad about it. All I could do is apologize. I don’t even know how many times I apologized. I just wanted to express how sorry I was, you know? I knew it wouldn’t change the fact that I messed up, but I felt like the best thing I could do to make it up was to apologize a bajillion times. And even after I was done, I still felt awful.

But that’s where Love met me.Β He said that I was worth it & that He loved me. He’d go through that pain again & again if that meant I’d come back. Like, whoa.

Grace is such a hard thing to understand, because we like to believe that we can earn things. We work a job, we get paid. We’re happy because we get paid for what we deserve. We’re forgiven for something we don’t deserve forgiveness for, and we don’t know what to do. Instead, we insist on being punished because we know we deserve it.

What funny to me is that I like forgiving people when they’ve done me wrong. I think extending forgiveness to people is so important. But honestly, it’s extremely hard for me to forgive myself, because I know what I deserve. If I deserve anything at all, it’s not this. It’s hard to accept anything else. Who else is with me?

“It could be that nothing around you gets better. But He is there, extending grace within the swirling mess of a hostile world. It could be that people around you don’t change. But He is there, growing you to change when others do not. It could be that you get stuck at that obstacle once more. But He is there, having already removed every obstacle between you and Him at the cross, empowering you for so much better than you think.” -J.S. Park, What The Church Won’t Talk About
As much as I don’t understand it, grace draws me into Jesus, and anyone else who extends it. There’s nothing better than knowing what you’ve done to God & having Him say, “Let’s try this again.” It makes me feel like He’s not yet through with me. Truthfully, He’ll never cast me out, because doing so would make Him a hypocrite to His character, and He’s not a hypocrite. He loves me & encourages me to forgive myself. I don’t know if I can, but all I can do is try.
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