My week has been pretty good. I have made some decisions this week for whatever reasons that I deem as right. I’m not even acting upon the decisions I’ve made so far. They’re just in my mind. Others have disagreed with me, but I can’t do much about that. I’m young, and just trying to figure out what’s right or not (but yeah, I get it- what kind of excuse is that?).
Over the summer I’ve made worse decisions that seemed right to do in the moment, however, moments are fleeting. I’ve had to deal with a lot of both scorn & encouragement from people I care about. It’s been hard, because it’s like, “Am I supposed to feel bad about my decision, or do I feel content with how things worked out?”
I’ve been struggling with the concept of grace a lot lately, and it often happens after I do something wrong. I know I’m supposed to have grace for myself, but why should I? I did a bad thing. But I need to remember John 1:14, that says the following:
“And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.”
Jesus became human like me, so He could understand my struggles & my pain. He knows my heart better than anyone, and my intentions. So while it does hurt to have people against me, He’s still there. He says, “I have had grace for you since the very beginning. I am Truth itself, so believe Me when I say it’s time you start being graceful toward yourself.”
I fight Jesus on this- more often than I’d like to admit. “Why should I have grace for myself when I’ve done something wrong? That’s uncommon & not normal!” Then He sits me down, looks in my eyes, and makes me look at His face. “You should have grace for yourself because I had grace for you first.”
It’s so difficult, knowing that grace gives you freedom, but still feeling so guilty & shameful with what you’ve done. It holds you back & hinders your ability to move forward. I’m still struggling with forgiving myself. I have the choice to choose either guilt or freedom. I think it’s a process, though, and I think it’s brave to choose the latter.