Just thinkin’

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4:40pm- I’m really excited to see my youth kids again tonight; it’s been way too long since I’ve seen them & I really missed connecting with them. I’ve learned a lot over the summer; when connecting with others, we have to let them speak. We have to learn when to hold our tongue & just be present. It allows us to get to know one another so much deeper. I can’t wait to hear what they’ve been up to & give them all hugs.

4:43pm- Hugs are so important. I’ve expressed it a lot over the last few weeks, but it’s so true. To me, they’re a safety zone. It’s a safe place where “I love you” is said without any words. Hugs provide warmth & security, and sometimes all we need is a short break from life so that we know that in the midst of this cold world, there is still warmth in it.

4:46pm- Friends are just as important. Sheesh, I love my friends. I’m pretty confident when I say I would die for my friends. They have so much life to offer the world & they brighten up mine, so they deserve to continue doing just that. We’ve learned so much from each other, and we’re so close as a family. We always express how important we are to each other. We’re always there for each other, and it’s the best thing. I can’t wait to see them again & give them all hugs too.

4:48pm- I’ve been struggling with my writing lately. Poetry doesn’t come easy for me like it used to. When I do write, it sounds like I’m whining. Maybe I need to spend some time reading the bible more to get inspired. Maybe I need to spend more time outside.

4:50pm- Here’s some of my favorite songs right now: Hey Cool Kid by Cloud Nothings, Shadow by Wild Nothing, She Owns The Streets by The Raveonettes, I Need My Girl by The National (a camp staff favorite), Trying To Be Cool by Phoenix, Out Of Time by Yuck, Hotline Bling by Drake (how could I forget a classic?), Day By Day by Citizens & Saints, Bang Bang by Green Day, and Thinkin’ Of U by Summer Heart.

4:54pm- I had a weird day. I was okay for half of it, then for the other half it’s been “blah” so far. I hope I feel better by the end of the day.

4:55pm- I’m a firm believer in reconciliation. I believe in starting anew. Blank pages. But I’ve done quite a lot of damage in a short amount of time, and I don’t know if I can fix it. We’ll see. Whatever ends up happening will be good for me.

4:57pm- I do a great deal of overthinking everything. I always think of the worst possible thing that can happen & it eats away at my brain. It’s the worst feeling because you feel like the worst is inevitable, whereas you have no idea if it’s actually going to happen.

5:06pm- I think it’s so important to say “I miss you”, and not being afraid to do so. People are so precious, and everyone needs to know they’re missed. It gives a feeling of “Oh, I actually matter to someone”. I’ve gotten into the habit of saying it more, and I love doing it. I like to make people feel cared for, because they are.

5:07pm- I’ve watched so much Criminal Minds lately.

5:08pm- You know when someone has the loveliest voice & you can listen to that person talk for a really long time? That.

5:11pm- I’m learning to be straight with people, no matter what. Honesty is embarrassing sometimes, and there’s no point in hiding. It’s hard to open up & say things like “Hey, you’re super cool & you make it easy for me to embarrass myself around you”, or “I think you’re inspiring & encouraging in the way you live your life”, but we need to be honest. Whomever is legit in your life won’t mind the awkwardness that follows.

5:15pm- All I really want in life is to see Twenty One Pilots live. They are so real in how they perform and they’ve taught me that messing up is okay. We shouldn’t strive for perfection, rather, we should strive for reality. The way they perform onstage is exactly how I want to carry myself onstage; not striving for perfection, but for something real.

5:20pm- I want so much to reach out to people, and lately it’s been frightening for me. I don’t want anyone to think of me as annoying. I don’t know the boundaries that the person has set since I met them. How many texts do I send before I’m seen as an annoyance? How many days do I wait before sending the next? Is it appropriate to ask how their day’s been? I genuinely care.

5:24pm- People have become such important things in my life. I care for them & love them so dearly. They have stories that deserve to be heard. They need to be sought after & told that they are loved. They all have this uniqueness about them. When I started considering people as intricacies , the more I started taking delight in the way they are in general. People are so precious & I can’t wait to know who they are. It’s funny how much I love connection, yet I’m shy & it keeps me from doing just that.

5:28pm- Laughter is one of my favorite things. It’s such a raw moment. It’s not staged like a “Say ‘cheese’ to the camera!” moment, rather, it just is. You see the crinkles in the corners of their eyes, you hear the loudest their voices can go, you see tears. Oh, the sounds we make when we’re joyful. I love that.

5:30pm- Being vulnerable means that you will be shut down, turned away, ignored. That’s the scariest part for me. I don’t want to be turned away, I want to be accepted. Loved. Told that I matter. I’m learning to be okay with it, because being a friend means to be vulnerable at all times. I have to let go of that fear.

5:34pm- Letter writing is one of my favorite things, even if I don’t do it often. The handwriting of a person is a physical view of their voice. The scribbles on the pages, and the words written is nothing short of vulnerable & real. I hope to do it more often.

5:40pm- I wanna dance silly with someone. I wanna scream Twenty One Pilots lyrics with someone. Someone take me to a forest.

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