When I begin a blog post with “real talk”, you know about it’s about to get legit. 0-100 so quick.
So, real talk: I came back from camp a little more than over a week ago. Since I came home, post-camp depression quickly settled in my bones & took over my body (anyone else?), and I didn’t know what to do with myself. Who could I talk to who had my same passion for children? What do I do with myself now? Who could I talk to who shared my desire to know God deeper? All the while, I didn’t open my bible once since I returned home. I swear, post-camp depression is very real, and it’s a monster.
I felt like a hypocrite, in fact, I still kinda feel like one. What kind of “devoted” disciple says she loves the Lord, yet doesn’t even open her bible in more than a week? In my guilt, I opened up my bible & flipped through it, hoping to find something to read. Sure enough, I did find something.
Whenever I open my bible again after a period of not reading, I always seem to go straight to the book of Hosea. The story of a man, Hosea, who is commanded to marry a prostitute named Gomer & love her just like God loves the world. Unconditionally. Compassionately. Truly. And too many times I find myself to be like Gomer. Now, I’m not someone who has sex with anybody. But in my relationship with Jesus, I often place Him second to other things I deem “worthy” of my time & efforts. I’m not supposed to do that.
A Call To Repentance (from Hosea 6:1-3)
“Come, and let us return to the Lord;
For He has torn, but He will heal us;
He has stricken, but He will bind us up.
After two days He will revive us;
On the third day He will raise us up,
That we may live in His sight.
Let us know,
Let us pursue the knowledge of the Lord.
His going forth established as the morning;
He will come to us like the rain,
Like the latter and former rain to the earth.”
Each time I read this, I can’t think properly. The idea that Jesus is compassionate to me, even when I don’t want Him to be top priority, totally blows my mind. It’s crazy, because I know how unworthy I am of His love. I’m a hypocrite. I shouldn’t call myself a disciple, because a lot of the time, I don’t act like one. I say things I shouldn’t. I argue with God when I think something is right for me to do when it’s not. I do so many things that make me unworthy of His compassion.
Yet He still extends His love to me. He takes my guilt & replaces it with joy. He forgives me for forgetting about Him (why would He even do that?! Jesus is confusing sometimes). He restores my worth; I’m worthy because He says so. When Jesus says something, I should believe it. He can tell me how horrible I am, but He chooses to tell me how much He loves me instead.
I want you to know that coming to Jesus in the midst of your shame is okay. It’s okay to be like, “Jesus, it’s me. I’ve been a real butthole to You lately, and I’m sorry.” He’s forgiving & graceful. It’s insane that He knows how we act toward Him, yet He still wants us to be near Him. So just go.
I was listening to this song called Song Of The Redeemed by Ascend The Hill, and it reminded me of the grace that I had first received when I made the decision to follow Jesus. I’ll post it below & you should check it out because the lyrics are lovely; I can’t pick a favorite verse.