9:20pm. I have Criminal Minds on play, and junk food in front of me. My empty pages are next to me. I’m wallowing, and discouraged in every area. Today hasn’t been a good day, and I’m trying to drown it out by focusing on anything other than how horrible my day has been. But first I want to tell you about it, whilst being as vague as I can be, because a) things can get personal & I can spare people the details for once, b) I like vague posting.
I’m lonely. I miss my friends at camp. It’s not fair to say exactly, considering the wonderful friends I have who are here with me. Some people are just closer to me than others, I guess. Every day I’m reminded of the people who are not here with me; I see something interesting & desire to share it with them, but I can’t. They might not be around, but their absence serves as a constant reminder that I can’t easily reach them right now.
I’m discouraged, in more ways than one. I can’t help but think about how little skills I possess. I can help children who miss their families. I can help children who live 2 hours away from their parents. I can sing. I can be silly. I can clean toilets and showers. I can sweep floors. I can encourage people from the sidelines. I can hike without breaking my leg, or sliding down a cliff. I can swim. I can organize children and get them out of a cabin in record time during a fire drill. I can help calm children down. But who wants to hire that?
I’m confused. Something wonderful is in front of me, and for some reason, I can’t bring myself to accept it. This thing is incredible, and I don’t know what to do. I’m very afraid, because if I choose to accept this wonderful thing, my life is great. If I choose to not accept this wonderful thing, it won’t just be my heart that breaks. I’m the most indecisive person in the world. I don’t like having the option between two things, especially if both choices have mediocre outcomes. I’ve never been in this much pain, and I don’t know what to do with this much power; I’m really not used to it. I might screw up. Big time.
I’m burdened. So many things going on at once, and it’s really hard for me to process everything at the same time. It’s insanely overwhelming. I’m standing in front of a giant cork board full of multiple different to-do lists, and I’m just standing there because I feel so stuck. I wish I could get moving, that I wasn’t so sluggish all the time. Life is catching up to me, when all I want to do is run away.
My small bible study group has been looking at the early verses in James 1, and the one that’s been sticking with me & popping up everywhere is “Count it all pure joy.” But I don’t want to count anything as pure joy, because that’s the last thing I feel right now. I feel sad, overwhelmed, ashamed even. But not joy. Not today. But tomorrow is a new day, as is always. So maybe tomorrow.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel a little lighter on my toes. Maybe I’ll feel a little happier, a little more chipper or joyful. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel like dancing, rather than shlumping in bed all day. Maybe tomorrow my eyes will be bright with hope for my future rather than filled to the brim with tears. Maybe I’ll feel less fearful of the future for once. Maybe my joy will be restored. We’ll see. 9:59pm.