I’m struggling. I feel like I can’t simply be like, “I’m struggling with pride”. I guess I feel like talking about it is just as taboo as talking about a porn addiction. It’s awkward to put ourselves out there like that, especially if we’re revealing new flaws. It’s giving the opportunity for others to point fingers & judge. I personally don’t like being looked at under a microscope; I am not something to be poked and prodded about. I’m a human being. I am a flawed human being.
There, I said it.
Mini story time: I’m a worship leader. When I lead worship, I usually stand in the front next to my co lead/homie guy. It’s always been like that; we have a dynamic when we play & we work well together. But for some reason, this time I was moved to the back, behind everyone, right by the drums. It didn’t bug me before, but after thinking about it for a while, it was getting on my nerves. ‘Why can’t I stand next to my homie?’ ‘Is it because I sometimes go barefoot onstage & the elderly people don’t like seeing naked toes?’ ‘Am I not good enough to be at the front?’ That’s when I remembered how worship is about shifting our focus from ourselves to Jesus. During worship, we could sound like crap, but that doesn’t matter because we’re singing to God, for God, and nobody else. If I’m thinking about whether or not I’ll be seen by the congregation, I’m going to be distracted & not fully focused on Jesus like I should be.
In my “oh-no-I’m-a-sinner-and-I’m-struggling-with-a-new-sin-that-i’ve-never-dealt-with-before-help” state, I opened my bible in order to find some insight. I turned to Job, of all books. This is what I read:
“Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and worshiped.” -Job 1:20
Some context: Job lost all his property & children. He was wrecked. He expressed his deep grief without any resentment or rebellion. He worshiped God with the only thing he did have- a humble, dependent, and devoted heart. A humble heart. How God was speaking to me through this little bit of scripture.
Now, I’m supposed to help lead worship on Friday & Saturday. Some people would say that it’s not right for worship leaders to lead worship if they’re dealing with something. They should deal with it quietly & alone, and come back when they’ve righted with God. I disagree. Everyone goes through stuff, and everyone deals with sin. Worship leaders are not perfect sinless human beings. I’m going to come before Jesus & repent. I have a duty to fulfill as a worship leader, so I’m going to worship Jesus with His children & I’m going to need His help to keep my focus off of myself. I’m going to sing His victory over myself, I’m going to set myself before Him, & have Him do what needs to be done in my poor, contrite heart.
He will make my heart as white as snow.