I have to say, the lack of posts on this blog is so embarrassing. 0 excuses, just pure laziness. I wanted to make more time so I can write more on this platform, and now that I have the time, I don’t do it. I suppose I feel like I don’t have many ideas to write about, but that isn’t true- my mind is always running.
Last night was one of the first prayer nights I’ve been to in months, and I wrote down some thoughts in my notebook as I listened to some of the lyrics of the worship songs we were singing. My thoughts might be all over the place, but I really wanted to get them out here, and share where I’ve been spiritually lately.
I was living in blatant sin a couple of months ago. Then I had a change of heart and decided to change my ways so that I could be a better example to those around me & those in my life. Fast forward a month or two, and I’m back where I was. I became deeper in my depression and decided that I was going to be reckless and impulsive. I had no self control and I desired nothing more than to be self destructive. I wanted to be numb to the emotional pain I felt, and I was endlessly apathetic in my spirit.
Tonight was the first night in months that I’ve been to a prayer meeting, and I’ve been listening to the worship music we’ve been singing. I realized that I don’t know if I mean the words that I sing. Do I sing the songs because I think the melody is pretty? Do I do it because I like the way it makes my voice sound?
Worship music is the most convicting tool sometimes.
I need to truly believe the words I sing, because that’s the only way the worship will be useful. It will help me to be shaped and my sin will be chipped away like a sculpture’s piece. Living in sin is pleasurable but painful when we decide to stop abruptly. Ask anyone with an addiction- it hurts to stop altogether, and it’s easier to stop step by step instead. But we aren’t called to that. We are all called to STOP RIGHT NOW. And it’s so painful. Parting with sin is like parting with a toxic, long-time lover.
It’s so important for me to get back to where I was before in my faith. I miss it- the freeing feeling of being shameless and blameless before Jesus’ feet. Now I just feel dirty and gross. I have to quit being so self destructive, and I desire to be on the right track again. I don’t want to be reckless. I want to be a positive testimony to those around me. I recently told a good friend of mine that being called a hypocrite is the worst thing that a Christian can be called. Well, I’ve become the very thing that I hate.
I want the worship songs to make sense again. I want to disown the belief that God doesn’t want me back.